Studio Coverage
A young man leads his horror film fanatic friends into battle against a demon terrorizing
their mountain town.
Comments Summary:
Despite a promising premise, the teen-horror story never quite lives up to its potential. Despite the genre, there are relatively few scares in the piece and even fewer moments where characters come close to death, but make it out in the last minute. In fact, the characters are often (up until the last battle scene) fairly safe from harm. The story and horror elements of the piece would greatly benefit from having the characters come closer to harm and by spending less time talking about the ways in which they will attack the demon and instead more time actually implementing said tactics on the beast. The world of the high school feels extremely small. We never get a chance to meet other high school characters besides the five in the club. Perhaps meeting more students would give other opportunities for fight/death scenes which will add to the terror of the piece. Overall, there is potential with this script, but there is still work to be done.
Comments Summary:
Despite a promising premise, the teen-horror story never quite lives up to its potential. Despite the genre, there are relatively few scares in the piece and even fewer moments where characters come close to death, but make it out in the last minute. In fact, the characters are often (up until the last battle scene) fairly safe from harm. The story and horror elements of the piece would greatly benefit from having the characters come closer to harm and by spending less time talking about the ways in which they will attack the demon and instead more time actually implementing said tactics on the beast. The world of the high school feels extremely small. We never get a chance to meet other high school characters besides the five in the club. Perhaps meeting more students would give other opportunities for fight/death scenes which will add to the terror of the piece. Overall, there is potential with this script, but there is still work to be done.
Introducing so many characters at one time can be overwhelming. When we first get to the
classroom and the five students are all introduced within a short time span, we do not get a good
sense of who they are. It might be worth exploring how the students interact with one another in
the confines of the classroom and not just be introduced to them in the context of how they act
when home with their parents. Characters are introduced in the descriptions, but often it takes a
while to get the names of the characters spoken by other characters. How will an audience
member pick up on the names of these people if they do not speak one another’s names? Do
some of them have their names on their book bags? What creative ways are there to show or tell
the audience these character’s names? You have them in school, so the classic expositional
cheat here is role call.
Right off the bat, the description paragraphs are very long and dense. They are borderline novelistic. While often the detail is great for the reader to pick up on the specifics of the world, they are not necessarily exact clues as to what we are supposed to be seeing. We know the feeling of the descriptions (how, tonally, the town and people look and feel), but it remains unclear at times as to what we are focusing on, visually speaking. Going back to the length of paragraphs, a good rule of thumb is to try and not go over 5 lines of description (4 is a better limit for 5 is acceptable on occasion). Often, studios will take a look at scripts with heavy amounts of description and put it aside – it looks like more work for the reader. The writing itself here is fine, but how can the details be finessed down to take up less page space? If something can be visualized in 1 line instead of 2, be sure to take advantage.
There is a wasted opportunity with Conrad’s book bag. Why was it left at the grave if nothing was going to come back to Conrad in the long run? Why were the police not knocking on his door? The more conflict the better. It might have been interesting to see the police be suspicious of him all the while he tries to take down the demon. The police chase down the demon hunter – sounds worth exploring.
The first act lingers on for a long time. A lot of the family montage moments feel like they could be shortened or taken out completely in order to make room for more scares and thrills. As of now, there are not many moments of terror in the first act. An opening to a horror narrative should scare/thrill. Here, it takes a good while to get to the first killing. Perhaps bumping up Wolfgang’s death will propel the story forward in a more dynamic way. Slow burns are great, but be sure there is something in those first 10 pages that really grab the reader and keep them hooked.
Small note, but parentheticals should always have their own line and should never appear on a line with dialogue. Example: page 34, Conrad’s dialogue, mid-page.
Right off the bat, the description paragraphs are very long and dense. They are borderline novelistic. While often the detail is great for the reader to pick up on the specifics of the world, they are not necessarily exact clues as to what we are supposed to be seeing. We know the feeling of the descriptions (how, tonally, the town and people look and feel), but it remains unclear at times as to what we are focusing on, visually speaking. Going back to the length of paragraphs, a good rule of thumb is to try and not go over 5 lines of description (4 is a better limit for 5 is acceptable on occasion). Often, studios will take a look at scripts with heavy amounts of description and put it aside – it looks like more work for the reader. The writing itself here is fine, but how can the details be finessed down to take up less page space? If something can be visualized in 1 line instead of 2, be sure to take advantage.
There is a wasted opportunity with Conrad’s book bag. Why was it left at the grave if nothing was going to come back to Conrad in the long run? Why were the police not knocking on his door? The more conflict the better. It might have been interesting to see the police be suspicious of him all the while he tries to take down the demon. The police chase down the demon hunter – sounds worth exploring.
The first act lingers on for a long time. A lot of the family montage moments feel like they could be shortened or taken out completely in order to make room for more scares and thrills. As of now, there are not many moments of terror in the first act. An opening to a horror narrative should scare/thrill. Here, it takes a good while to get to the first killing. Perhaps bumping up Wolfgang’s death will propel the story forward in a more dynamic way. Slow burns are great, but be sure there is something in those first 10 pages that really grab the reader and keep them hooked.
Small note, but parentheticals should always have their own line and should never appear on a line with dialogue. Example: page 34, Conrad’s dialogue, mid-page.
For each set piece, planned attack on the creature, there is a whole lot of talking. When it comes
time to execute said plan, it feels like we’ve seen all the action before. How can things go more
wrong before they go right for the students? For example, there is no dangerous element in the
first demon encounter with the holy water. The students are up on the roof and the demon is
down on the street. There never feels to be any real danger to be had. What if one of the students
were down on the street trying to work the rig for the meat? Just a suggestion. Overall, there
could be more obstacles standing in the way of Conrad and the gang.
Going off the last note, all the students make reference to their parents not understanding or not accepting what they are up to, but there seems to be no repercussions from all this talk. If the parents are going to get upset, have them truly get upset and force their kids to be grounded (or whatever the equivalent would be in this narrative). This will give added drama and obstacles to the story – what will the kids risk in order to take down this demon? Where will they have to sneak out of escape from? Who’s lives will be put in danger because they were taken out of play for a time?
The reader wonders why the demon does not try to stalk his prey while they are at their homes until after the wolf attack. Conrad, Effie, and the rest all go home each night and sleep peacefully. Don’t they worry the demon will come crashing through their windows and tear them apart as it did with Wolfgang? In particular, the scene on page 61 had this reader scratching their head. Conrad goes home and throws himself on his bed... after he and his friends have just had a conversation where they all express concern over the demon stalking them at their homes. Why would Conrad go home right after this scene to the place where he is supposedly most vulnerable? The logic surrounding the character’s actions should be refined.
Why does Conrad not try to save Mr. Hauer? Hauer is a pretty cool guy whom the students all like and respect – he’s down to earth and has a dark humor to him. Conrad is a hero-type, the reader is lead to believe he would try and help/save anyone he could from the demon... but then lets the demon rip apart Hauer. This moment makes the reader reconsider their empathy for Conrad. How could he be so heartless? Was there nothing he could do? Did he try to get the demon to find Hauer so that he could follow the demon back to its lair? If so, what did Hauer do to deserve such a fate?
The grand finale battle in the cave does not feel as awesome or fantastic as it could be. The space in which the battle takes place is already unique, so what is unique to a cave that one could not find anywhere else? How can these things play a part in the fight? Could the four students all run in different directions and get lost? Can the students try to bring down the mountain? These are all just bad first examples, but examples of ways to stretch out the battle (after all, this is THE moment we have been waiting for). The battle comes and goes at such a speed that it does not seem like enough. The demon is killed in no time and by means which we
Going off the last note, all the students make reference to their parents not understanding or not accepting what they are up to, but there seems to be no repercussions from all this talk. If the parents are going to get upset, have them truly get upset and force their kids to be grounded (or whatever the equivalent would be in this narrative). This will give added drama and obstacles to the story – what will the kids risk in order to take down this demon? Where will they have to sneak out of escape from? Who’s lives will be put in danger because they were taken out of play for a time?
The reader wonders why the demon does not try to stalk his prey while they are at their homes until after the wolf attack. Conrad, Effie, and the rest all go home each night and sleep peacefully. Don’t they worry the demon will come crashing through their windows and tear them apart as it did with Wolfgang? In particular, the scene on page 61 had this reader scratching their head. Conrad goes home and throws himself on his bed... after he and his friends have just had a conversation where they all express concern over the demon stalking them at their homes. Why would Conrad go home right after this scene to the place where he is supposedly most vulnerable? The logic surrounding the character’s actions should be refined.
Why does Conrad not try to save Mr. Hauer? Hauer is a pretty cool guy whom the students all like and respect – he’s down to earth and has a dark humor to him. Conrad is a hero-type, the reader is lead to believe he would try and help/save anyone he could from the demon... but then lets the demon rip apart Hauer. This moment makes the reader reconsider their empathy for Conrad. How could he be so heartless? Was there nothing he could do? Did he try to get the demon to find Hauer so that he could follow the demon back to its lair? If so, what did Hauer do to deserve such a fate?
The grand finale battle in the cave does not feel as awesome or fantastic as it could be. The space in which the battle takes place is already unique, so what is unique to a cave that one could not find anywhere else? How can these things play a part in the fight? Could the four students all run in different directions and get lost? Can the students try to bring down the mountain? These are all just bad first examples, but examples of ways to stretch out the battle (after all, this is THE moment we have been waiting for). The battle comes and goes at such a speed that it does not seem like enough. The demon is killed in no time and by means which we
have already seen in the first scene of the gang trying to take down the demon from the rooftop.
What NEW ways can they use to take down the beast? What didn’t work about the first plan that
they need to adjust for this attempt? What part of the plan gets mucked up when the demon
doesn’t act the way they thought it would? These are a couple of situations that could lengthen
the scene while adding scares and thrills. Make nothing easy. Everything that could go wrong,
should go wrong.
Going off the last note, is there a way to bring Timbo into the fight? He is such a fun character
that unfortunately does not have much screen time. Adding his wit and energy to the final battle
might give a much needed boost to the final moments of the piece.
Overall, for a horror film, there are only four or five moments of terror. This is relatively low for the given genre. In what ways could more chills and thrills be added to the narrative? If more scares, more logic behind character actions, and a bigger climax can be added than the writer could have something original and fun here.
Overall, for a horror film, there are only four or five moments of terror. This is relatively low for the given genre. In what ways could more chills and thrills be added to the narrative? If more scares, more logic behind character actions, and a bigger climax can be added than the writer could have something original and fun here.
Market Comparison:
Scream franchise (1996-present) Urban Legend (1998)
Final Destination (2000)
The Faculty (1998)
It Follows (2014)
Jennifer’s Body (2009)
The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005) Constantine (2005)
Frailty (2001)
Priest (2011)
The Rite (2011)
The Possession (2012)
The Devil Inside (2012)
Sinister (2012)
Scream franchise (1996-present) Urban Legend (1998)
Final Destination (2000)
The Faculty (1998)
It Follows (2014)
Jennifer’s Body (2009)
The Exorcism of Emily Rose (2005) Constantine (2005)
Frailty (2001)
Priest (2011)
The Rite (2011)
The Possession (2012)
The Devil Inside (2012)
Sinister (2012)
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