Anyhow, I submitted the original logline for Flatdog (which I've been using since I wrote it, in 2008):
" A stoic, academic detective must team with a rookie officer to confront a supernatural evil that has crawled from the bayous to terrorize post-Katrina New Orleans."
They had this to say:
"First things first, you shouldn’t include the title of your script in your logline.
Once you cut those first two words, this is a pretty well put together logline.
You’ve got your main characters, the problem they face, your location, and an
inherent sense of the stakes.
The big problem right now is that it doesn’t feel like there’s anything particularly
inventive or fresh about this idea. I’m not sure what will set it apart from other
horror movies.
One way you can help get across a sense of what makes this idea unique would
be to provide more details about how your story will work. For example, what
do these cops have to do to take down this supernatural evil? Can you provide
a clearer explanation of what the evil is? It sounds like were dealing with the
monster here, so what makes it supernatural?
I think you also need to address the issue of tone. The way you present your two main characters feels more like a comedy setup than a horror.
Your title also does not come across as horror. Flatdog just doesn’t sound scary. Is there a different title you could use that would make your tone and style feel a little more riveting?
This is an interesting location for a horror movie, so I can see a lot of potential here, but you’re going to have to show what is original and terrifying about this idea in order to grab the attention of readers."
So... I changed the logline to this:
" A stoic, academic detective must team with a rookie officer to confront a supernatural evil that has crawled from the bayous to terrorize post-Katrina New Orleans. As this unique incarnation of voodoo wrecks havoc, the police scramble to defeat it while contending with the ambivalence of a populous ruined by similar tragedy."
Thoughts?
I think you also need to address the issue of tone. The way you present your two main characters feels more like a comedy setup than a horror.
Your title also does not come across as horror. Flatdog just doesn’t sound scary. Is there a different title you could use that would make your tone and style feel a little more riveting?
This is an interesting location for a horror movie, so I can see a lot of potential here, but you’re going to have to show what is original and terrifying about this idea in order to grab the attention of readers."
So... I changed the logline to this:
" A stoic, academic detective must team with a rookie officer to confront a supernatural evil that has crawled from the bayous to terrorize post-Katrina New Orleans. As this unique incarnation of voodoo wrecks havoc, the police scramble to defeat it while contending with the ambivalence of a populous ruined by similar tragedy."
Thoughts?
I think it's great! Perhaps you could choose words that are associated with fear and suspence to replace 'unique' and 'scramble'. Maybe something like 'satanic' for unique. And scramble, maybe a word that represents the academic side of the seasoned cop?
ReplyDelete