THE BATMAN: my reservations

 

So, this post is kind of about writing…

 

I am going to see the new Batman movie this evening.

 

Not going to lie: I have reservations.

 

We haven’t had a good full Batman movie (meaning, a movie where he wasn’t just a peripheral character, or part of an ensemble) in a decade (since 2012’s Dark Knight Rises).

 

I am skeptical of this movie.

I love Matt Reeves.

And the movie looks appropriately dark.

But the casting bothers me.

Robert Pattison is casting that really throws me through a loop.

But, then, I was unsure about Heath Ledger as the Joker, so…

I’m just not as certain about Pattison as I was about Christian Bale (who I was a huge fan of from American Psycho and The Machinist before Batman Begins solidified my love for him).

Bale embodied Bruce Wayne both as a reckless young Batman who gradually transitioned to an older, embittered, more methodical Batman.

And Battafleck, well, he was good as an old, embittered Batman (who, from what we saw in Batman vs. Superman, actually killed people).

 

Anyhow, there is a lot about this movie that bothers me.

I don’t like the NY accent Colin Ferrell is giving his Penguin. Although, this may not have been his creative choice. And I was hesitant about him as Penguin at first, but (like Danny Devito before him) make-up and a stellar actor have given me confidence that he will pull it off. Besides, I’ve been in love with Ferrell ever since Horrible Bosses.

 

Then there’s Zoe Kravitz as Catwoman. I seriously think that the only reason this lady is famous is because of her rock star dad. She has yet to prove me wrong with any of her performances (Fury Road and Californication). But, then, I am a very hard customer to please when it comes to Selina Kyle. To me the only on-screen Catwomen who matter are Michelle Pfeiffer and Camrem Bicondova. Don’t even get me started on Anne Hathaway and Halle Berry.

 

I’m also not pleased with the casting of Alfred and Commissioner Gordon.

 

Also, I think the Batmobile looks award and cheesy (it looks like Adam West’s Batmobile in the 1960’s TV show!).

 

And Pattison as Bruce Wayne: he’s a bit too brooding and emo for me.

I don’t mind Batman being tortured (Michael Keaton played that to the hilt), but he needs balance. This Batman just looks like a shell of a man who occasionally puts on a suit and beats criminals to a pulp. If they play that right, it can be amazing. If they don’t, this can be a painful 3 hours.

 

I do like Paul Dano as the Riddler.

And I like that they are making him a serial killer (a la John Doe in Se7en).

 

I also like some of the short clips I’ve seen from the trailer.

Specifically: Batman being pummeled with machine gun fire and it deflecting off of him like RoboCop.

Batman in the sewers, fighting what look like a team of dystopian gutterpunks (which reminds me Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns).

 

We shall see.

 

But why am I writing all this?

 

Mostly just to get off my chest what I’ve been thinking since they announced the film.

Also because, well, a new Batman movie (a new DC movie period, as I prefer them to Marvel, hands down) is an important thing for me. And even though we’ve had a lots of Batman material in the ten years since the last Batman movie, from TV shows (Gotham, Batwoman and Titans) to movies (Suicide Squad (2016), Justice League, Batman vs. Superman… Joker (2019)), this is the first real full movie Batman has been given (Battaffleck is the only Batman never to have been given his own movie) in a while.

 

Anyhow, the reason all of this is important to me is that, for a while now, I have fantasized about going out to Hollywood and being handed (as a screenwriter) the Batman franchise.

 

In fact (and this reinforces my theory that Hollywood is somehow syphoning off my ideas through osmosis) I even had a scene in one of my movies where Alfred is babysitting Helena Wayne and orders pizza from Little Caesar’s… I say this because now Little Caesar’s is doing promotion for the new Batman… with a pizza shaped like the Bat Symbol… it’s called the Batman Calzony… I’ve had two of them… to me, they were disgusting.

 

Anyhow, I have my dream cast for the Batman universe all mapped out.

 

Here it is:

 

 

Batman / Bruce Wayne … Jon Hamm

 

Alfred Pennyowrth… Charles Dance

 

Selina Kyle / Catwoman… 15 years ago I said Olga Kurylenko, now I’d think we’d need someone younger… perhaps an unknown.

 

Commissioner Gordon… Bryan Cranston

 

Joker… Crispin Glover (or Johnny Depp)

 

Edward Nygma / Riddler… Joel Edgerton

 

Lobo… Gerard Butler

 

Wilson Slade/Deathstroke… Fred Ward

 

Dr. Johnathan Crane / Scarecrow… Robert Englund

 

Tommy Elliott / Hush… Josh Lucas

 

 

I also have a linear trajectory for a 5-film series.

 

The first is a film I’ve conceived myself (which would introduced Batman and Catwoman and set up their romance) that features the main villain of Bookworm (a villain not from the comics, but from the 1960’s Adam West TV show… he was played by Roddy McDowell in the TV show… I would have Johnny Depp play him in my movie). This film would be called Batman: Reborn.

 

After that I would adapt Alan Moore’s The Killing Joke so as to introduce the Joker.

 

After that it’s Batman: Arkham Asylum (to introduce the other villains… and to adapt that absolutely amazing story).

 

Then Court of Owls.

 

Then Hush.

 

And then I’ll decide where to go after that.

If nothing else, I know I eventually want to have Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle happily married (we all know they wind up together… and that Selina Kyle, and not that scandalous viper Tahlia, is the only woman for Bruce Wayne), I want to see Bruce Wayne finally content and I want them to have a kid… Helena Wayne (who will eventually become Huntress… I hate the modified origin story they have for her where she is Helena Bertinelli, like in the TV show Arrow and in 2020’s Birds of Prey).

 

This, of course, is all a pipe dream.

 

I don’t want to say it will never happen, but unless Reeve’s film tanks and Hollywood decides to hit the reset button, and I secure a screenwriting career within the next year or so), most of my cast (especially my pick for Bruce Wayne/Batman) will most likely be too old to take on the physical responsibility of the roles.

 

Also, I realize I am posting this on a public blog and that someone in Hollywood (unlikely, but not completely unrealistic) could read this and steal every single one of my ideas.

 

I’m fully convinced that that happened in 2019. My friends and I (after seeing King of the Monsters) theorized that, in Godzilla vs. Kong, that Godzilla and Kong would fight… but then they’d have to team up because Mechagodzilla (or another classic Toho kaiju, but we figured Mechagodzilla would be an appropriate and cool foil) shows up on the scene.

And that’s exactly what happened.

 

It could be coincidence.

 

But I think it’s probably my osmosis theory.

 

Stranger things have happened.