Title: Personal Demons
Writer: Erik D. Harshman
Evaluation By: LSN Selection Committee
Status: Private Jury Feedback
(Note how they don't reveal who my readers / critics are... I'd be a lot more inclined to listen to these fools if they had even a modicum of industry experience to their name... the fact that they don't reveal who they are makes me question everything they say).
Brief Overview & Reasons for Non-Selection
PERSONAL DEMONS is an ambitious, small-town horror script focusing on the "Blackhand
High Horror Club,
" a group of outcast teenagers who take it upon themselves to hunt and kill a literal demon after it murders one of their own. Drawing heavily from 1980s teen-centric horror and adventure films, the narrative attempts to blend the coming-of-age struggles of misfit teens with a high-stakes supernatural battle.
While the script has a strong, nostalgic premise and clearly exhibits the writer's deep affection for the horror genre (evidenced by the extensive cinematic and literary references), it was not selected for our finalist round due to issues with tonal consistency, pacing, and dialogue. The transition between the realistic teenage angst (strict parents, moving away, religious differences) and the hyper-stylized, over-the-top demon hunting sequences often feels jarring rather than cohesive. Furthermore, the dialogue frequently leans into exposition and heavy-handed genre quoting, which undercuts the natural voices of the teenage protagonists and slows the narrative momentum.
My Rebuttal: This is the first anyone (across many film fests, agents, etc.) has said anything about “tonal consistency”.
Furthermore, the demon hunting in the script is not “hyper stylized”. I don’t know what script they were reading, but it wasn’t mine. All of the demon hunting is extremely grounded in reality (as much as demon hunting can be). Inf act, I wrote this script in 2015 after attending my first pitchfest and having every producer and agent tell me that they were looking for “grounded horror”.
And, finally, there is hardly any exposition in the script. I defy anyone to highlight more than one or two instances. And given that most big Hollywood movies (in recent memory, I’ll point out 2017’s Alien: Covenant) are full of exposition and info dumps, well, I don’t see one or two instances being a problem. As for the “heavy handed genre quoting”? There are two lines. One stolen from Ghostbusters (which was meant as nothing more than character development, to show that these kids were raised on the same pop culture that most kids are raised on) and the other (from Predator 2) I task anyone with identifying that line. Besides, how many movies (like 2025’s I Know What You Did Last Summer and 2024’s Alien; Romulus) are full of call-back lines inserted in for nothing more than to trigger & stir nostalgia in the viewers. And it one more person tells me that these characters don’t act and speak like natural teenagers I am going to throat-punch them. I spend 7 hours a day, 7 days a week, ten months out of the year with teenagers. If anyone knows how they act and speak, it’s me. I would like to question anyone who issues that criticism of my script to tell me what teenagers they are observing. More than likely it is their younger siblings, nephews/nieces, etc. and, thus, they have a biased and skewered view of these individuals.
Highlights & Strengths
A Fun, Nostalgic Premise: The core concept, a high school "Horror Club" using their encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies and literature to combat a real-world threat, is fantastic and highly marketable. It evokes a strong Stranger Things or The Lost Boys vibe that genre fans would inherently appreciate.
The "Timbo" Character: The inclusion of Timothy "Timbo" Bishop, the young, Ozzy Osbourne-loving priest, is a highly original and entertaining twist on the standard clerical archetype in horror films. His intervention at the climax is one of the script's most memorable and enjoyable moments.
Visceral Action Sequences: The writer does not shy away from brutality. The action sequences, particularly the climax in the cave involving chainsaws, holy water balloons, and iron spikes, are inventive and visually engaging.
My Rebuttal: I wrote this a year before Stranger Things came out and I hate The Lost Boys. I’m not even sure I’ve seen Lost Boys from start to finish in its entirety.
Constructive Observations
Tonal Imbalance: The script struggles to find a consistent tone. It oscillates between serious, grief-stricken drama (the funeral, the parents threatening to send their kids away) and cartoonish action (the teens rigging a Little Rascals-style bucket trap in an alleyway; the demon casually eating a rib cage like a human). Committing fully to either a dark, grounded thriller or a heightened, self-aware horror-comedy would strengthen the overall impact. Refining the Dialogue: The teenage characters often speak in paragraphs of exposition or rely too heavily on reciting horror trivia rather than communicating organically.
Streamlining the dialogue to sound more like authentic teenagers, and allowing their actions to demonstrate their horror knowledge rather than constantly stating it, would make them much more relatable.
My Rebuttal: Their comments of “cartoonish action (the teens rigging a Little Rascals-style bucket trap in an alleyway; the demon casually eating a rib cage like a human)” is just insulting. Again, no one (from agents, to other festival and screenplay competition judges) have noted anything along those lines.
“Committing fully to either a dark, grounded thriller or a heightened, self-aware horror-comedy would strengthen the overall impact”… yeah, I do commit to one tone. It is dark and grounded. It is not self-aware at all. It is not meta. The teenagers simply realize that something they’ve read about, seen, played in video games and heard about in heavy metal has finally shown itself to be a reality. That’s about as self-aware as it gets, all of which I handle in a grounded tone. If the script is funny at all, it is because people (kids, especially, as they are completely trying to figure life out as it comes as them, full-speed, and trying to figure themselves out in the process) can be funny and ridiculous. These kids are thrown into a situation they can’t possibly comprehend on their own (without all the theological and pop culture references to help them make sense of it all). That is the grounded tone and approach.
Closing Thoughts
PERSONAL DEMONS is a heartfelt love letter to the horror genre with a highly appealing core concept. We commend Erik D. Harshman for his ambition and his clear passion for the subject matter. With a rewrite focused on unifying the tone, polishing the dialogue for authenticity, and grounding the supernatural mythology, this script has the potential to be a highly entertaining and commercially viable teen-horror feature.
My Rebuttal: “Unifying the tone”, I’ve already addressed this. This is a matter of perception and aesthetic. Theirs is incorrect.
“Polishing the dialogue for authenticity”… seriously, I’d love to hear the advice these idiots would give me on this topic. Unless they are going to spend as time with teenagers as I have, they have no ground to stand on.
“and grounding the supernatural mythology”… my mythology is sound. No one has ever said anything to the contrary… and that seems like a big complaint that would have come up in Personal Demons’ multiple festival wins by now.
How We Can Support PERSONAL DEMONS:
Refine Positioning & Pitch Assets: We help adjust your script's positioning for maximum
industry appeal. For PERSONAL DEMONS, we would suggest framing the narrative around
"Nostalgic Teen Horror/Adventure" (similar to Stranger Things or Summer of 84),
highlighting the "Horror Club" premise as your primary hook. We also help you optimize
your essential pitch materials, including your logline, synopsis, and a professional Pitch
Deck / EPK.
Video Pitch Development: We guide you in crafting and producing a highly effective Video
Pitch. This allows you to visually and emotionally sell the tone, pacing, and commercial
viability of your script to producers who may not have time to read 100 pages right away.
Targeted Festival Strategy: We create a customized roadmap for your script, identifying
20-30 targeted screenplay competitions and genre festivals that specifically champion dark
thrillers and twist-driven narratives, saving you budget on unnecessary submission fees.
Targeted Pitch & Sales Strategy: We analyze your script’s scope, budget, and genre to build
a curated list of 20-30 targeted buyers, production companies, and industry executives
who are actively seeking this specific type of material.
Full Representation & Direct Pitching: We act as your representative, packaging your
project and pitching it directly to our established network of producers, buyers, and
acquisition executives on your behalf.
If you'd like to explore any of these options, just reply to this email.
With respect and admiration,
— The LSN Team
My Rebuttal: Ah… and there it is! All that criticism was just a set-up/lead-in to offering me their “script doctor” services. Gotcha. Yeah, how much do you want to bet that, even if I paid their, no doubt exorbitant, fees and fixed everything they told me was “wrong” about Personal Demons magically someone (another writer who doesn't exist) else’s script would be “better” and would win their no-name competition… if anyone ever wins period. This whole thing reeks of a scam / swindle. It is because of shysters like these that I rarely trust or respect the coverage I receive.
Note: Sometimes I wonder (fear) that I do not take criticism well. I know I take it too personally, if nothing else.
I also sometimes wonder if my rebuttal to the criticism I receive isn’t valid. Insecurities then creep in and I question my talent as a writer and the marketability of my work.
But if my rebuttals were invalid, how then am I able to synthesize them so quickly in response?
Regardless, I have to constantly remind myself that: 1.) feedback/coverage from pitchfests and film fests are just that… and not rejections directly from an agent, producer or studio. 2.) Criticism, like anything else, is largely subjective and is guided by the critic’s personal aesthetic, preferences and what they (sometimes pretentiously, sometime accurately) believe to be industry-standard information. 3.) As it pertains to Personal Demons, that screenplay has had more wins than losses, so any criticism I receive, I take with a truckload of salt.
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